Trump Bombs

MAGAts don't do humor

At last night’s make-up White House Correspondents’ Association dinner, Donald Trump said that he respected journalists and praised them for doing an “amazing job.” The day before, Trump's Justice Department was scolded by a judge and dropped, for now, its subpoenas of New York Times journalists for reporting on the inadequacies of Trump's brand new Air Force One, which was “gifted” by the nation of Qatar.

I do not want to hear Donald Trump talk about how much he respects journalists when he referred to them as the enemy of the American people and constantly attacks them.

Before the speech, Trump fanboy Scott Jennings on CNN said that Trump was sure to make breaking news during his speech by announcing something important. I thought to myself, or more accurately, said out loud in my tiny apartment where no one else can hear me except for Alexa, Siri, and probably my Roomba, because it wouldn't surprise me if Sucks Norris weren't spying on me too, “that the only way Trump is going to make breaking news tonight would be if he said something sexist, racist, are extremely stupid.” Well, he got at least two out of three of those (I let my friend, Missy Moo, name my Roomba, Sucks Norris, because she was a huge help while I was in the hospital/rehab from my stroke, and she checked on my apartment a few times, and met Sucks).

I changed the channel from CNN to Fox News before the speech, where one of their airheads said that Trump was very funny. Donald Trump is not funny, but then again, that is the network that employs Greg Gutfeld, a MAGAt’s idea of a funny person. To be clear, Greg Gutfeld is not funny, and neither is Donald Trump, except inadvertently. And when Donald Trump is funny inadvertently, he is not aware of it. And Donald Trump is especially not funny when he attacks the free press.

Yesterday morning, I was thinking that I needed to do something about the Trump administration's attack on the New York Times for its reporting on the flaws of his new Air Force One, which forced him to take a backup Air Force One home from the NATO Summit in Turkey over concerns of threats from Iran. Trump was so upset over this that his DOJ issued subpoenas seeking phone records and grand jury testimony from the Times journalists who wrote the articles revealing security concerns about his new Qatari-donated/bribed Air Force One.

The Times said the government was trying to intimidate its reporters and fought back in court. On Thursday, shortly after a federal judge in Manhattan scolded the Justice Department for its handling of the matter, the Trump regime withdrew the subpoenas before the court could throw them out.

A lot was made about last night being the second attempt this year for the dinner, as the first one was interrupted by a gunman. There was a lot of talk about courage, bravery, and the Secret Service was honored. Donald Trump has used the incident to argue for his corrupt ballroom, arguing that it would be safer to hold events there even though he was in the middle of MetLife Stadium earlier this week in front of 90,000 people while photobombing Spain’s celebration for winning the FIFA World Cup. A lot of people don't know about this because Spain cropped him out of the photos. Who can blame them?

So I doubt Trump caught the irony when CNN's Wolf Blitzer reminded the room that Trump filed a $20 billion lawsuit against the Wall Street Journal for its reporting on his past relationship with pedophile Jeffrey Epstein that “triggered the release of the so-called Epstein files.” Trump's bogus lawsuit revealed reporter Khadeeja Safdar’s home address, forcing her and her family to relocate for their security. Maybe they can live in Trump's ballroom.

Safdar and other journalists from the WSJ received awards last night and shook Trump's hand. Their story revealing Trump's relationship with Epstein received an award, a handshake, and got them kicked off of Air Force One, but maybe Trump will let them ride on the plane he was afraid Iran would blow up.

To be honest, I stopped watching shortly after Trump woke up from his nap and started his speech, opting to veg out and watch a show about bad exes on Netflix (it made me feel lucky that the worst I ever got was dog poop smeared on my front door. She worked at a kennel). I kinda regret doing that because I missed the post-speech coverage, but I caught up this morning. Fox News mostly took issue with the correspondents on CNN who did not find Trump’s speech funny. So, was Trump funny?

One of his first jokes was at the expense of CNN’s Kaitlan Collins, who had been honored earlier for her White House coverage. Sexist Trump tried to make a joke about her not smiling enough, and then turned it into a trans phobic joke by comparing her to Dylan Mulvaney, which didn't make any sense at all. Trump failed to catch the irony that he never smiles.

And then he tried to make a joke about the meal, saying a “very delicious beef tenderloin, very special beef” that Health Secretary RFK Jr “personally ran over the cow in his car, and he cut it up, and he brought it here for you to eat tonight.”

That joke totally fell flat. If RFK Jr ran over the cow, he would've strapped it to the roof of his car or hidden it in Central Park, but either way he definitely would have kept the penis.

Trump told a sex joke about a senator, and when nobody laughed, he attempted to explain the joke. Even the worst comedians know that a joke doesn't work if you have to explain it. Political cartoonists know that too.

And then he made a fat joke about Chris Christie and Jerry Nadler fighting over a piece of cheesecake. Trump failed to catch the irony that he is the fattest president since Taft. Fact: when Donald Trump serves dessert at one of his soirées, he has everyone served a single scoop of ice cream while he gets two because that makes him feel like the most important person in the room. He is the little girl at the birthday party who has to receive the most cake (that’s a line in Doll Parts by Hole).

He joked about Senator Adam Schiff and laughed about the size and shape of his head and his neck, which I believe is a repeat of some of his material from his hate rallies. Trump failed to catch the irony that his neck looks like a mummy’s vagina.

He attacked Rosie O’Donnell and Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez. He compared the “really beat-up faces” of UFC fighters with those of Bette Midler, Jane Fonda, and Bruce Springsteen, who are three very good-looking people. Stephen Miller was probably seated in the first row, where I’m sure his laugh sounded like a bwa-ha-ha-ha.

So, was Trump funny? Of course not, and even he didn't think he was funny, blaming his speechwriters for jokes that bombed. After a joke he told about the gerontocracy on Capitol Hill bombed, he said, “That was actually the only thing I thought was good in this whole fricking stupid speech. It was the only good one, and that went down with not exactly great laughter.”

And this awkward snorefest lasted for over an hour. Journalists were given awards before the speech, but everyone in the room should have received a medal for having to sit through this thing. Those are lucky enough to miss out on was Melania Trump, who had a conflicting engagement with some toe polish, and JD Vance, who had a conflicting engagement with his couch. Secretary of State Marco Rubio also did not attend because he plans to run for president in 2028 and can't afford to be seen with Donald Trump. Speaker Mike Johnson also failed to make an appearance, probably because of a conflicting engagement with explosive diarrhea.

If you have to choose between sitting through an hour of Donald Trump telling jokes and a bout of explosive diarrhea, well, you can't say Johnson made the wrong call.

Donald Trump cannot blame his speechwriters for his shitty speech. If the man can choose to start an illegal war with Iran, then he can cross out bad jokes in his speech. If only he could tell the difference between a good joke and a bad one. I think the only way Trump could tell that his jokes were bad is because nobody was laughing at them.

As his speech reached its conclusion, Trump pulled out a hat and dramatically plopped it on his head. It said, “Trump 2028.” Trump staffers in the audience who were ordered to laugh, laughed…barely. Most of the reporters just stared straight ahead, because there's nothing funny about Donald Trump trashing the Constitution to run for a third term.

At least when President Obama joked about running for a third term at the White House Correspondents' Dinner, he did it with Luther, his anger translator. Now there was a president who knew how to be funny.

Drawn in 30 seconds:

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