Dead Bears and Pikachu

I can't decide who's weirder, RFK Jr or Republicans

If you don’t understand this cartoon, that’s OK.

One of my proofers didn’t get the Pikachu reference but understood after giving it a Google. A reader posted in the Facebook comments that she didn’t get it but then she looked it up. Another reader on Twitter told me he/she had to look it up too. Sorry if my cartoon failed for you. It is based on two weird stories.

If people have to do an internet search to understand your cartoon, then the cartoon may not work. But I’m mostly OK with it today because this made me laugh and I know the readers who read the inside baseball-type political stuff will get it. But, I’ll help you out anyway.

JD Vance recalled to a podcast the moment Donald Trump called to offer him the veep slot on his ticket. It does seem like a long time ago because at that time, Trump was running against Biden and we didn’t know yet just how weird and creepy JD is. Ah, simpler times.

JD told a podcast about the call and that he yelled at his seven-year-old son to stop bothering him while he was talking to Trump.

JD said to the podcast, “He is really into Pokémon cards right now, he’s going through a Pokémon phase… I mean, he’s really into it, so he is trying to talk to me about Pikachu, and I am on the phone with Donald Trump, I’m like, “Son, shut the hell up for 30 seconds about Pikachu.’”

Pikachu is still a thing? That was popular when my kid was a kid. I would have thought Pikachu was in the dustbin of forgotten trends with the Furbies and Virtual Pets. My son had all three. He didn’t really care about Pokemon, Furby mysteriously disappeared (probably hidden under a bicycle in Central Park or saw what happened to the cat. You’ll soon find out), and the Virtual Pet starved to death.

Every parent can relate to being annoyed by their kids. Children are famous for not shutting up…ever. Even if you scream at your kid to shut up, you’re risking the high probability that instead of shutting up, the kid will start crying and screaming. What will that sound like on the other end of the line?

Just for reference about children never shutting up, back when I worked at home in the 90s, I drew my cartoons after my son’s bedtime. The upside to that is he was a daddy’s boy.

There’s also a possibility that instead of the kid shutting up, he’ll talk more. It’s like telling a kid not to touch something. Hell, I could probably tell my 31-year-old not to touch something, and that’ll make him want to touch it. “Do NOT stick that fork into an electrical outlet!” You may as well go ahead and hand him the fork.

I’m going to text my son right now and say, “Don’t you touch that” without any context, and see what happens.

Now, if you want a quiet kid to START talking…no, wait. The only times in recorded history when a kid isn’t talking is when they’re sleeping (and even then, only sometimes) or doing something they’re not supposed to, like trying to flush the cat down the toilet (don’t ask me how I know that doesn’t work unless the goal is not to see the cat for a week). In case you don’t know what the child is up to…just sit down and relax. You’ll find out soon enough as it will seek you out and find you. Just enjoy the few moments you have left of blissful ignorance. Oh, sweet, sweet beautiful ignorance.

JD probably thinks telling this story makes him relatable. It doesn’t. For future reference, JD, neither does shaking a baby. Yeah, JD has Baby Shaker written all over him. Fortunately for JD, he was talking to Donald Trump who would probably be able to relate to shouting at kids if had any hand in raising his. Does Trump even know how many kids he has? It’s five…we think. We’re not counting the secret abortions.

Shouting at kids is about as relatable as fucking a couch, Google dolphin porn (where are those parental filters?), and screaming at your kid to shut up about Pikachu. Also, don’t tell a child not to Google dolphin porn…or Pikachu porn. Hey, that has to be a thing, right?

Screaming at your kid makes you about as relatable as hiding the carcass of a baby bear in Central Park. Who hasn’t done that? AmIRight? AmIRight? On the other hand, maybe JD is still trying to convince us he was raised in Hooterville or wherever. No offense to any readers who may reside in Hooterville.

Robert F Kennedy Jr told a story to Roseanne Barr about hiding a dead bear in Central Park. Roseanne had a hit show in the 90s playing a character most of America could relate to. That was 30 years ago before she lost her mind. Today, the only person who can relate to Roseanne is baby bear burying RFK Jr.

I’m starting to think maybe JFK Jr is from Hooterville.

Kennedy told Roseanne in a video shared to Twitter/X that he was driving upstate early one morning in 2014 to take a group of people falconing in the Hudson Valley when a driver in front of him fatally hit a bear cub. That’s very sad.

Kennedy told Roseanne, “So I pulled over and I picked up the bear and put him in the back of my van because I was gonna skin the bear. It was in very good condition and I was gonna put the meat in my refrigerator.”

We’re not even at the part where he dumps the bear in Central Park and it’s already gotten weird. He’s confessing his sin to Roseanne Barr and he was going to eat road kill. I don’t know which is weirder.

And where was Mama Bear during this? She could have eaten herself a Kennedy. All the other bears would have loved that story. Oswald, Sirhan, Bear. The only risk in that for Mama Bear is that she could have gotten worms.

So Kennedy had this dead bear in his van but got distracted by a busy day of chasing falcons (if that’s what falconry is), having dinner in NYC, and trying to give kids free candy from inside his van. Seriously, dude. Why are you in a van? “Hey, kids? Wanna touch my bear?”

But Kennedy had a flight to catch after all this and he still had a dead bear in his van. He said, “I didn’t want to leave the bear in the car because that would have been bad.” Yeah, a dead bear left in a van for days could ruin all the candy. Anyway…

Kennedy had an old bicycle in his van and decided to dump the bear in Central Park with the bike. He tried to make it look like the bear had been hit by the bike because as we all know, the number-one killer of baby bears is, no, not cocaine (but that did happen), bicycles.

Kennedy said, “I wasn’t drinking, of course, but people were drinking with me who thought this was a good idea. So we went and did that and we thought it would be amusing for whoever found it, or something.” Yeah, you weren’t drinking is a great excuse for doing something stupid when you take advice from drunks. It’d be better to blame the worm.

So, someone found the dead bear and it made national news. To this day from behind bars, Goldilocks has maintained her innocence and has finally been vindicated.

The only bears you would typically see in Central Park are in the Central Park Zoo and they’re not escaping because they’re afraid of the Central Park Rangers (If you get that reference, kudos, you weirdo). Goldi, you’re free!

This Central Park Bear dumping has been a mystery for a decade but at least it’s solved by RFK Jr’s confession though it does cancel out a great future episode of Unsolved Mysteries.

I don’t know who’s weirder, RFK Jr, Trump, or JD Vance. We have JD on one side humping couches, screaming at his kid while swilling Mountain Dew, hating on childless cat ladies, and fantasizing about sex with dolphins. Then we have Donald Trump with a bleached dead ferret on his head while his greatest fears are mail-in ballots, Black women, and sharks. Fun fact: A photo does not exist of Donald Turmp petting a dog. And finally, we have RFK Jr with a brain worm who dumps dead bears in Central Park. That’s not fair. He’s only dumped one dead bear in Central Park…that we know of.

These guys are weird.

Cartoon note: I’ve been inside Central Park and what I remember are the sidewalks, the large boulders, and the black squirrels. I didn’t see any black bears.

Blog note: I wrote this inside of a Wegmans.

Watch me draw, not shut up, in 30 seconds:

Here’s the longer video with the voiceover:

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