You Only Had One Job

The Secret Service and Crowdstrike both had major boo-boos last week.

Minutes and hours after the assassination attempt on Donald Trump which placed a big bandaid on his ear, talking heads (not the band) were all over the cable news praising the Secret Service for being so quick to protect former President (sic) Oompa-Loompa. I may have been one of the first to post on social media that the Secret Service actually failed.

You may be thinking, “So what? I hate Donald Trump. Let a psycho killer (fa-fa-fa-fa-fa…fa-fa-fa-fa-fa…see what I did there?) take a shot at him.” You may have been one of those on social media cursing the Republican would-be assassin for missing his extremely large and bright orange stupid lying target. But I don’t feel that way.

I don’t care if it’s Donald Trump or Malia Obama. I don’t want anyone harmed, even people I despise, like Donald Trump. He’s a big pumpkin-looking racist sexist stupid lying gaslighting grifting pussy-grabbing classified document-stealing Tic-Tac-popping Big-Mac gobbling insurrectionist Putin-puppet fascist felon, but I don’t want him physically harmed. And I don’t want that just because he’d be turned into a martyr, but also because I believe in karma and I don’t want to be as vile as MAGAts.

I mean, I don’t mind Seal Team 6 killing Osama bin Laden, but I generally don’t wish harm on anyone. I try not to step on bugs (one could be an alien like that time in Men In Black II when Agent K decided against stepping on a bug and it turned out to be a space creature who thanked him…and I don’t wanna piss off any aliens).

Sure, the Secret Service has more than one job (they’re also in charge of investigating counterfeit currency). But they only have one job when they’re guarding an individual and that is to make sure no harm comes to that person, even if it means the insides of all their armored cars have a KFC funk that’s harder to get out than cat piss (Ever leave your car windows open overnight only to have a cat pee inside it? It’s the worst). If they had done their job, nobody would have been able to take a shot at Donald Trump in Butler, PA. The Secret Service failed.

The Trump campaign had asked for more security in the past, but not specifically for the hate rally in Butler. Keep in mind, that during his time in the White House (sic), Donald Trump and his family spread the Secret Service’s resources super thin. There were a lot of Trump’s to guard between 2016 and 2021. Between Donald, Melania, Barron, Sniffy Jr, Eric, Tiffany, Ivanka, and Jared, there were five individual families to guard. Are they still under Secret Service protection?

Also, keep in mind that it was the Secret Service’s job to save Mike Pence from being hanged by white nationalist MAGA terrorists Trump sent to attack the Capitol. Did Donald Trump ask for additional agents to protect Pence before he sent goons to hang him?

How did Donald Trump award the Secret Service? He bilked them. He grifted them. He charged them rent at his resorts. He jacked up the rent for the Secret Service because he knew they had to pay it. He charged them for golf cart rentals when they needed to follow Trump when he was cheating at golf and gave himself trophies for it. On top of that, all the agents probably got bedbugs from staying at Trump’s shitty resorts.

Another thing to keep in mind is that while the Secret Service is being attacked by Republicans, Donald Trump can afford to hire his own protection. He’s a billionaire, right? Instead, he’d rather we pay for it. With us paying for it, he can continue to grift the government on rentals, gold carts, and MAGA-Lardo sandwiches, which all probably come with slices of generic cheese-like product.

I hope the Secret Service does a better job protecting Vice President Kamala Harris because she’s about to have more hate directed at her than Trump has ever received. You have to remember that the people who listen to Trump are more dangerous and unhinged than the people Democrats talk to. For one thing, hate groups follow Trump.

When I first heard of the global tech collapse, I was sitting in the Milwaukee airport at 3 a.m. I immediately checked the departure board to see if my flight was delayed or canceled. I didn’t want to stay in Milwaukee for another minute, not because I was sick of the city but sick of MAGAts. Fortunately, Southwest was not affected by the delays yet, while my flight departed on time, it was half full of MAGAts. An optimist would say it was half empty of MAGAts. And most of them had paid to cut in line at TSA which did NOT endear them anymore to me.

Is there a way to delay a flight for MAGAts while making the same flight for me depart on time? Can some tech person figure that out? There were so many red hats on that plane. One poor guy on the flight was wearing a red Indiana Hoosier cap, and MAGAts kept giving him a thumbs up. MAGAts don’t read good (Yes, I meant to do that).

CrowdStrike is a firm that provides cybersecurity services to corporations worldwide. One of those is Microsoft whose products are used worldwide. Even this blog is being written on a Micro…..

…just kidding (except it is being written on a dying Surface Pro).

When the tech collapse hit last Friday, I immediately believed it was the work of hackers, who CrowdStrike is supposed to protect their clients from. But who needs hackers when you have CrowdStrike to fuck everything up?

This is like hiring Donald Trump to protect the nation from terrorists yet for some reason, he sends terrorists to attack the nation. I’m sure if that actually happened, he’d never be considered four years later of being rehired….right?

CrowdStrike had one job, to protect their clients from hackers who would cause a global tech collapse. But what happened? CrowdStrike initiated an update to its system guarding its clients which probably had a MAGA-Lardo bedbug in it or some shit and caused a…wait for it…global tech collapse.

How will CrowdStrike pitch its cybersecurity services when companies need cybersecurity to protect them from Crowdstrike? What are they going to do, run commercials saying they used to suck but not anymore, like Domino’s Pizza?

Sure, our Pizza used to taste like cardboard that had been sitting on the street and run over by dirty car tires for six years, but we use real cheese-like product now.

Who needs Fancy Bear when you have CrowdStrike?

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