Onion Crying

This would explain why we haven't seen Melania in a while

The Onion, a genuine fake news outlet created when fake news was supposed to be funny and not to subvert the masses to vote for Nazis and grifting rapists, has purchased national conspiracy thoerist Alex Jones’ website, Infowars, in a bankruptcy auction because they said, “This is the funniest thing that’s ever happened.”

Seriously, Onion…if you were going to purchase something from Alex Jones so he couldn’t use it anymore, couldn’t it have been his last name?

The Onion’s purchase was made in partnership with the families of Sandy Hook victims, whom Jones owes at least $85 million after he lost a $1.5 billion case for claiming that the massacre, which claimed the lives of 20 first graders and six adults, was a hoax.

Alex used the deaths of children to lie and build an audience, rake in millions, and sow doubt, hate, divisiveness, and fear throughout the nation. In the past, he’s admitted he knows he’s lying to build an audience, as though his programs were merely entertainment. The Big Bang Theory is entertainment. Nobody calls in death threats because Sheldon only sleeps with Amy once a year on her birthday, except for maybe Amy.

Infowars is a website created by Alex that spreads lies like the Sandy Hook shooting was a hoax, the moon landing was fake, 9/11 and the Oklahoma City bombing were inside jobs, Barack Obama controls the weather, George Soros financed al Qaida, Hillary Clinton was running a child sex traffic ring in the basement of a pizza parlor that doesn’t have a basement, secret messages were inserted into the sitcom Two Broke Girls to hypnotize Americans to buy satanic cheese, vaccines turned a muppet autistic, and the government is putting toxins in water that make frogs gay. I made one of those up. See if you can find it.

The Onion plans to use the new Infowars to lampoon right-wing lying scum troglodytes like Alex.

On Steve Bannon’s podcast, Alex called the purchase “ridiculous,” referred to U.S. regulators as “imperial troops,” and claimed the auction rules had been changed at the last minute by the “deep state.” Yeah, that sounds about right coming from Alex.

Alex told Bannon while bragging about his new website, alexjoneshasatinyuselessdick.com, “We got funds coming in. We got high-powered lawyers. We’re moving forward. The tide has turned,” which is a really stupid thing to say when regulators are combing through your assets because you owe $1.487 billion to people you slandered.

The Onion published an article by Bryce P. Tetraeder, the so-called CEO of Global Tetrahedron (The Onion’s “parent company”), in which the faux executive praised the conspiracy network as an “invaluable tool for brainwashing and controlling the masses.”

I can not wait to see what the new infowars.com conjures up.

Now, if gay frogs did storm Mar-a-Lago and kidnap Melania, it would explain why we haven’t seen her since she assured us that her husband is NOT Hitler. But if you miss her, you can find a LOT of her on Russian state TV.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a sudden urge to purchase some Satanic cheese.

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