J.D. Couch Boinger

Did J.D. Vance do a couch?

I hate right-wing cartoons that are based on lies and conspiracy theories so I’ll start this by clarifying that there’s no substantiation to the rumors that Ohio Senator and Republican nominee for the vice presidency ever had sex with a couch. Despite that, this cartoon is not wrong or based on a lie. It’s not wrong because Vance is suspected of shagging a couch. If true, I wonder if shag carpet was involved.

It’s also not based on a lie because people are asking the question, “Did J.D. hump a couch?”. So how did this get us where we are?

When Vance was selected by Donald Trump to be his running mate, President Joe Biden hadn’t dropped out of the race. During the Republican National Convention, they were talking about Trump winning by a landslide, so an heir to the MAGA movement was selected to be Trump’s running mate instead of selecting someone logical and who could actually help the ticket.

Trump chose his running mate similarly to how the WWF chose the Honky Tonk Man to be their next Intercontinental champion back in the 80s. He was walking by.

Trump, guided by his two oldest and idiotic sons, Sniffy Jr and Eric, picked Vance instead of someone who could have helped flip a swing state, bring diversity to the ticket, appeal to a demographic other than bearded yahoos with a couch fetish, or bring experience on a subject to the ticket other than how to wrap it in an inside-out latex glove and stick it between two cushions.

J.D. Vance isn’t an expert or has experience in foreign policy, border issues, or even economics because he has sugar daddies. Even his book, Hillbilly Elegy, is a lie. What Vance does is just double-down on MAGA hate which doesn’t help the ticket in the general election. In fact, Vance is the lowest polling vice presidential candidate since Dan Quayle, and nobody really hated Quayle as much as they just thought he was an idiot and inexperienced dumbass who can’t spell “potato.” Vance is hated…and he probably can’t spell “potato.”

And since most Americans weren’t familiar with Vance, now he’s being defined. And one of those things he’s being defined over is being a fake hillbilly women-hating racist couch diddler.

No, we’re not talking about having sex on a couch. Who hasn’t done that? AmIRight? AmIRight? High five! No? OK then. No, we’re talking about having sex WITH the couch. I’m pretty sure if people believe you had sex with a couch, then they’ll never have sex with you on a couch.

So how did the couch thing come about? It began with just one single Twitter/X user posting that Vance used an inside-out latex glove shoved between two couch cushions, and the details are described in Vance’s fake 2016 memoir between pages 179-181. It took three pages to describe the episode.

And it probably went something like this (I haven’t even seen the movie, let alone, read his book…and the movie was directed by Ron Howard, who did to the Star Wars franchise with “Solo,” to what J.D. did to that couch):

"It was a dark and stormy night and I was home alone…with the couch. There was always unspoken sexual tension between me and the couch, but we had never been alone before. But now, with the dark and the rain combined with my confusion about sex, and a little over-caffeinated on Mnt Dew, the mood was heightened. I put on my best eyeliner and I looked at the couch and told her how beautiful she was. I looked at the couch again and gave it a wink. The couch looked at me and I could almost swear that it winked back. And then the dog looked at both of us as if to say, ‘He’s not gonna…is he?’ ‘Yes, oh, yes, puppy. You might want to look away.’ The dog was never right again.”

But none of that was real…or is it?

The rumor spread to the point that the Associated Press fact-checked it and rated it false. But then, one of the most reliable news agencies in the world deleted its fact-check.

The now-deleted AP headline read, “No, JD Vance did not have sex with a couch.” But there’s a problem with that headline as it should have read, “JD Vance’s book, Hillbilly Elegy, does not depict a scene of him having sex with a couch.” That headline would be true. But publishing a headline that J.D. Vance never had sex with a couch could be false because…we don’t know. The Associated Press doesn’t know if Vance canoodled with a sofa. And, since J.D. Vance lies so much, you couldn’t believe him even if he denied it.

Recently, Vance tweeted an attack on New York City about its crime rate, yet the crime rate is higher in Columbus, Ohio, which he represents in the United States Senate.

Here’s another fun fact, J.D. Vance has not denied he’s ever done a couch. Even Donald Trump has denied sexually assaulting every woman he’s sexually assaulted. He still denies that he raped E. Jean Carroll and raw-dogged Stormy Daniels in a Las Vegas hotel room after she spanked him with a copy of Nepotism Magazine featuring Ivanka on the cover, despite two juries saying, “Oh yes you did do that.” At the very least, J.D. could come out and state, “I never had sex with that couch…it’s not my type. I like my couches to be tens, not sixes.”

But if we go by Republican MAGA rules, it doesn’t matter if Vance shagged a couch, did the nasty with a couch, boinged a couch, or deflowered a sofa. Most people will accept it as fact that Vance is the Sofa King. Why? Because they read it on the internet.

Because of Republican lies without any evidence, a lot of people believe President Biden has dementia, is senile, a pedophile, is corrupt, and has taken bribes from China and Ukraine through his son. People still believe there’s something on the laptop that proves Biden is corrupt though none of them can tell you what it is.

They believe all that stuff about Biden without substantiation. So let me tell Vance and Republicans that if the public believes he’s a couchaphiliac, it’s called Karma.

And Karma will fuck you, but it probably wouldn’t fuck a couch.

Watch me draw in 30 Seconds:

Here’s the longer video with a voiceover.

Music Note: I listened to the Red Hot Chili Peppers.

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