Hardcore Pawn

On the next episode of Pawn Stars...

I used to have a trophy that was awarded for winning a black belt in taekwondo. The only way you can have a trophy of this kind is to earn it after years of studying the ancient master art and then proving yourself in a grueling, physical exam that tests your strength, reflexes, and mental acuity… or your big brother gives it to you.

Jimmy, my older brother, got me into taekwondo when I was a teenager. When I lived with him over the summer in 1983, we would spar outside our apartment complex’s laundromat while we waited for our clothes to dry. Occasionally, someone would call the cops, thinking we were in an actual physical fight…that I was losing. Taekwondo was something we did every day, and Jimmy kept with it for the rest of his life. I eventually lost interest and was distracted by an afternoon job, parties, guitars, and, of course, girls. So I never did earn a black belt, but I still had the trophy.

I don't recall why, but I was upset that I couldn't be at Jimmy's test for his black belt. The day after he earned his belt, Jimmy gave me his trophy. I came home from work (we no longer lived together), and it was in my room. My brother loved me, and he probably gave it to me because I was being a baby about it. I kept the trophy for a little while, but, of course, I eventually returned it to him. I had no right to keep that trophy. And I think he probably knew that I would eventually give it back to him.

And just like how I did not deserve that black belt trophy, Donald Trump does not deserve María Corina Machado’s Nobel Peace Prize.

Donald Trump made a lot of noise about wanting to win the Nobel Peace Prize. He even created fake wars that he claimed he ended to win the prize. It's funny how the committee in Norway doesn't give you the prize for that. Naturally, Donald Trump did not win the Nobel Peace Prize. FIFA, the international soccer organization, felt so bad for Donald Trump that they created a peace prize to award him. Smoke that, Obama.

Machado did win the Nobel Peace Prize, and the White House worked overtime to make her feel guilty about it. Anonymous sources from inside the White House said that she should give her peace prize to Donald Trump. She was probably told the same thing in private phone calls. Why should she give her peace prize to Donald Trump? Because he's going to sulk?

So Donald Trump conducted an overnight raid into Venezuela and kidnapped its president, Nicolas Maduro. On Fox News the other day, they called him the liberator of the Americas. Though I'm not sure who he liberated, since he basically installed Maduro’s vice president in charge of the nation. Are the people truly liberated if the same regime is still in charge?

Donald Trump believes he can have a better working relationship with the continuation of Maduro's unelected regime than with Machado, whose party was elected to lead the nation. It's been said by anonymous sources inside the White House that if Machado had already given Trump her Nobel Peace Prize, she would be president of Venezuela today.

It would not surprise me if the only reason Donald Trump had our military kidnap Maduro was just to snub Machado and eventually get her Nobel Peace Prize.

I was being a big baby, and I got my brother's taekwondo trophy, which I eventually gave back because it was the right thing to do. Donald Trump received a Nobel Peace Prize for being a big baby, and for Republicans, this is normal. And the thing is, he's never going to give it back.

Donald Trump never should have won the prize this way, and he never should have accepted it. He believes he deserved it, but having the prize just shows him as being a huge baby and an asshole. Now, Donald Trump has given the Nobel committee added reasons never to award him the prize.

And just as owning my brother’s black belt trophy didn't mean I had achieved the rank of black belt in taekwondo, Donald Trump possessing Machado's Nobel Peace Prize doesn't mean he won the Nobel Peace Prize. The prize itself is not transferable. Is as significant as if he had stolen it.

The actual medal itself that was awarded to Machado is now as worthless as the fake Time Magazine covers Donald Trump hangs in his shitty resorts.

Drawn in 30 seconds

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