Cracker Cancel Culture

What will MAGA World be upset about next?

Cracker Barrel, the restaurant that does to down-home southern cooking what Olive Garden does to Italian food, has changed its logo from one boring image to a new boring image…and White people are upset. Seriously, they’re upset.

It’s like that time Sexy M&M ditched her Go-Go boots and Tucker Carlson had to find something new to envision while spending “quality time” with himself. Or, it’s like that time Aunt Jemima was removed from syrup bottles and old White conservatives had to find something else to get sticky with. That reminds me, do you put syrup in the fridge after you open it? I saw that on the TV show Mom (Alison Janney is the shit) last night, and I was like, “whaaaaaaa?” I always thought putting syrup in the fridge made it all stiffy. OK, I’ll get off this gross roll here and continue writing about these wankers.

Right-wing fucknuts are afraid “woke” has invaded Cracker Barrel, but I don’t see it. I don’t find the old image racist or offensive. It’s just an old white guy sitting in a chair next to a barrel. I just find it boring. But, hey…I am an old white guy, so maybe I don’t have the ability to see the racism in it if it’s there. But Robby Starbuck must be able to see it since he’s so in love with it. More on that wanker in a minute.

I just see a boring image in the old logo, and I see a boring generic image in the new logo. If anything, you’d think Cracker Barrel would see that now is the time it could become more racist. The Trump administration has officially made it OK for racists to come out from under their hoods. Never before have I seen trolls commenting on my cartoons on Facebook and GoComics be so open and confident with their racism.

Robby Starbuck, if that’s his real name, is a so-called anti-woke activist I found while looking for an example for this blog, and he fit perfectly.

Mr. Starbuck created a video that Fox News has described as “devastating” to Cracker Barrel. Starbuck argues that the restaurant's logo and decor changes are the culmination of a years-long campaign to cater to the far Left and abandon the values of its middle-America customer base. Oh, fuck off, Starbuck. It’s grits and biscuits.

In the video I’ve only read about because I don’t think I can stomach watching an incel cry about this logo, Starbucked described Cracker Barrel’s new logo as going from “old American nostalgia” to something “cold, dead, lifeless and modern,” like his penis. He said that, while the Cracker Barrel brand is often associated with American tradition, the company is “infested with left-wing activists who are more interested in safe spaces, pronouns, and virtue signaling than they are in their customers.” And I was just thinking that this nation is infested with racist and fascist MAGAts, like Robby Starbuck.

Starbuck is also upset that Cracker Barrel has apparently put a rainbow-colored rocking chair in its corporate office in Tennessee, and said, “The fact that it's located there is important to this story because what's happened here is a microcosm of the parasitic operating procedure of left-wing activists. They don't just wanna force their soulless, godless, hedonistic vision of the future onto blue hellscapes that their party controls.”

He continued, “No, it's much more important to them that they shove it down into your towns, into your kids' schools, and into your way of life. So, sticking a pro-trans rocking chair into their headquarters in a predominantly conservative town is exactly the type of thing they revel in doing.”

Someone needs to get laid.

In the past, Starbuck has gone after Harley-Davidson, Target, and John Deere for being woke. Boo-hoo.

But before you start thinking that Cracker Barrel is open-minded and the anti-Chick-fil-A, hold on to your chicken and biscuits, because they’re not. Cracker Barrel has not participated with LGBTQ rights organizations since 2018.

Starbuck, who must live in constant agony for having to live with the name “Starbuck,” said, “It's very, very important to understand that the Cracker Barrel story is not about a logo. It's not at all about a logo; it is about a country, it is our heritage, and it is a culture. It's about a power structure built to tell us that we are somehow backward, embarrassing, or bigoted.” But you are backwards, embarrassing, and bigoted, Mr. Starbuck. You are the living embodiment of who I would refer to as a yee-haw fucker.

He finished with, “A conservative can't give their money to Cracker Barrel. A Christian cannot give their money to Cracker Barrel, and so we won't.”

Oh, yeah? We’ll see how long Starbuck can go without making sweet, sweet country love to a gravy-covered chicken-friend steak.

By the way, Meta, the company that owns Facebook, Instagram, and Threads, hired Starbuck as an advisor to address “ideological and political bias” within the company's AI chatbot, after he sued them.

I hope he doesn’t sue me for calling him a wanker and a yee-haw fucker.

Fantasy Football: I need two players for my fantasy football league, the Teleholic Football League, which started as a league of guitar players but now includes a few journalists. There’s no money involved, and it’s just for fun. It’s been around, I think, for 17 years. We draft next Saturday.

Corrections: Do you see a boo-boo and can’t live until it’s corrected? I know the feeling. If you want to report it to me, please email it to clayjonz@gmail.com. If you put it in the comments, I may not see it until hours or days later. Thanks.

Creative note: I may have created another monster with this one, just like I did with Pizza Rat, Goldy, the bird (who doesn’t have a name yet), and the Washington Monument. In the future, readers will expect my caricatures of Stephen Miller to be hanging upside-down. Also, I almost forgot the mayonnaise, which his wife, Katie Miller, says he gulps down by the spoonful. I knew he was gross and demented.

Speaking of Starbuck, I wrote this blog at Starbucks.

Music note: I listened to Ten Years After.

Drawn in 30 seconds:

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